My apologies for diving straight into the deep end on my first post. My wife and I recently experienced heartbreak in the form of miscarriage. We have dealt with infertility for nearly half a decade now and it has handed us heartbreak after heartbreak. This time we felt that our prayers had finally been answered and we were so excited to share this season of joy together….but that wasn’t what God had for us in this moment.
That leads me to my point. How can I worship God in this moment? How?!?!? The pain and confusion is breathtaking and permeates nearly every moment and every thought. Why is God allowing this? The demand for an explanation or an answer of how He will make it right is so present in my mind and spirit….but it is embarrassing that I am still so foolish as to think God “owes” me anything….and yet it’s real. How can I worship?
Popular church culture says that I need to do my mourning and get back to being a shiny happy person who says “hallelujah” with an exclamation point and a smile. There is an awesome and wonderful blessing in this grief though and I don’t want to miss out on it. You see, what this pain and anguish has revealed is that I don’t fully understand God, that what He has planned for me often hurts, and most importantly, that I’m unwilling to stop loving Him despite these things. My love for Him is being proven to my self in this horrible moment. How awfully beautiful!
As I recently listened to Jeff Buckley’s rendition of “Hallelujah”, this concept resonated in my soul as it does for so many with this song. The lyrics are confusing and weird, but the line “It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah” is so rich. This idea that perhaps a faithful Christian life isn’t all smiles and easy answers, but instead that faith is present in the grief and the mourning is something our hearts yearn to have validated. But even a cursory reading of the book of Psalms would reveal that this isn’t a new conundrum within the human heart, so please allow yourself and others to feel validated. God is doing something even in the pain and He wanted you to know that your emotions are okay to have. That’s why those Psalms are there.
So no, it won’t always be with a smile. There are very real tears. There is very present pain. There are so many unanswered questions and unanswered prayers and a faith left quivering. Here is my worship- There is a flicker of hope and a vulnerable little string of trust in Him despite all of that. Hallelujah.